I tried to get groceries a couple times but would burst into tears in the middle of the store and i would walk out, leaving my cart in an aisle. I eventually got used to crying in public, and at least I could buy groceries for the kids. The first time I made it through the store without crying was a big accomplishment. I hadn't embarrassed myself that day, that was until I got to the checkout line. In front of me was a woman I had gone to high school with, she tried to quietly point me out to her boyfriend and tell him that my son had just died, but I heard what she said. She never said a word to me though. Once again i was crying while unloading my cart full of groceries, but at least this time the people around me knew why.
I remember feeling completely alone, no one understood what I was going through and a lot of people avoided me like I had some terrible contagious disease. They probably just didn't know what to say, but it made me feel very ashamed.
The death of a child causes a lot of guilt and shame. I felt like people were judging me, blaming me. I was the mom no one ever wants to be, I was THAT mom.
