Monday, February 13, 2012

I am THAT mom

When we came home the answering machine was filled with messages, but we couldn't get the machine to play, so we never heard them. Everyday the mailbox was filled with sympathy cards which I displayed in the living room near a memorial I set up for Aiden.

I tried to get groceries a couple times but would burst into tears in the middle of the store and i would walk out, leaving my cart in an aisle. I eventually got used to crying in public, and at least I could buy groceries for the kids. The first time I made it through the store without crying was a big accomplishment. I hadn't embarrassed myself that day, that was until I got to the checkout line. In front of me was a woman I had gone to high school with, she tried to quietly point me out to her boyfriend and tell him that my son had just died, but I heard what she said. She never said a word to me though. Once again i was crying while unloading my cart full of groceries, but at least this time the people around me knew why.

I remember feeling completely alone, no one understood what I was going through and a lot of people avoided me like I had some terrible contagious disease. They probably just didn't know what to say, but it made me feel very ashamed.

The death of a child causes a lot of guilt and shame. I felt like people were judging me, blaming me. I was the mom no one ever wants to be, I was THAT mom.